Southwest Safety Briefing
Earlier this month we flew the Tampa – Ft. Lauderdale leg as part of the return trip from our Niagara Falls and Toronto visit. Needless to say we didn’t know what was coming until we were right in the middle of it. It went something like this:
Southwest Airlines Flight attendant over PA system:
“Ladies and gentlemen, did anyone lose a wallet near the front of the aircraft? – (silence) – We found a leather wallet on the floor (again, more silence……..). Ok, now that we have your attention, let’s begin the safety briefing…
Please pretend that you care while we go over these important announcements.
Welcome to SWA flight #3479. This is a non-stop, non-whining, non-complaining flight all the way to Ft. Lauderdale International Airport.
There are 50 different ways to leave your husband, but there are only 6 ways to leave this aircraft. Two forward exits, two over the wings, and two in the back.
If you did not bring any reading material, we have one for you, and that’s the safety information card. Have a look at it, and then locate the nearest exit and also locate the weaker people so you can push them out of the way if we need to evacuate the aircraft.
If you are seated in an exit row you may be required to assist during an evacuation process, and no, you’re not getting a free drink for volunteering.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, 3 oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you’re traveling with your child, put your mask on first before helping your child. If you’re traveling with several children, pick your favorite child and help that one first.
This is a non-smoking flight. If you feel the need to smoke, you may do so by stepping out onto the wing. If you can light it, you can smoke it. Doing so will make you a part of our in-flight feature film, Gone with the Wind.
Federal law prohibits tampering with, disabling or destroying any smoke detectors in the lavatory, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah…
Today’s meal will be whatever you ought on board followed by our main course of honey coated peanuts”.
Upon final approach:
”Flight attendants are coming around the cabin collecting the last remaining trash items. Ladies and gentlemen, remember this is a very short flight, so if you’re still enjoying your complimentary beverage, stop enjoying it and start drinking it”.
After arriving at the gate:
”Thank you for flying with us, and remember, no one loves you or your money more than Southwest.
Flight attendants, prepare the cabin. Everyone else, get out”.